How to Talk to your Fiancée about Money
Since money is the number one cause of marital discord, according to
Dr. Howard Markman, Co-director of the Center for Marital and Family
Studies at the University of Denver, a mutual financial plan is vital
to the success of your marriage. Many engaged couples get so caught up
thinking about groomsmen gifts and bachelor parties that they lose
sight of the post-wedding party portion: the marriage, and its monetary
realities. Though you may be reluctant to broach the subject of money
for fear of upsetting your fiancée, head off arguments with a sit-down
discussion about money management style, financial expectations, and
the economic background behind each person's financial views. Trust us;
before you start picking out groomsmen gifts and wedding china, have
this one simple talk that could save your marriage.
The decision whether to get a prenup, have joint or separate
accounts, or life insurance options are all based on personal
preferences. But here are a few broad guidelines for how to make a
successful financial plan for the future:
Tell no secrets, tell no lies. When it comes to
money, honesty is not only the best policy; it's the thing that keeps
couples out of debt, out of jail, and out of divorce court. It sounds
harsh, but hidden debts or secret spending can deplete a financial fund
irreplaceably-and damage a marriage permanently, so if you find
yourself disguising how much money you're spending on groomsmen gifts,
take that as a warning sign. Before you get married, talk honestly
about any debt or expenses you have. Similarly, define your terms for
"luxury" and "necessity." It's fine for a couple to agree they want to
spend 70% of their wedding funds on necessities and 30% on luxuries,
but if she considers oxygen facials to be luxury bridesmaid gifts, and
his idea of luxury groomsmen gifts is McDonald's coupons, therein lies
a problem. Not an insurmountable problem, but an issue that requires
pre-marriage resolution.
Timing is everything. As with any other hot topic,
be sensitive about when you approach the money discussion. Is your
fiancée exhausted from an early morning meeting, or bummed out about an
argument with a friend? Now is the time to keep mum on the M-word. A
hot-button discussion under these kinds of circumstances will only lead
to explosions. Spend a fun day shopping for groomsmen gifts or
honeymoon resort wear. Afterwards, time your talk for a quiet dinner
out, where you are both relaxed and romantic, as well as obligated to
remain calm and couth. By gently working money talk into your romantic
routine, you will demystify finances and not fear future discussions.
There are limits however; you might do well to ban money talk from the
bedroom!
Debt is the Devil. Make getting and staying out of
debt a priority during your wedding planning. If your fiancée has her
heart set on a princess wedding, take a second job or petition
relatives, but don't max out your credit card on groomsmen gifts and
wedding favors. One day, no matter how important, is not worth the
months or even years of debt that can result from wedding planning.
Similarly, work out a plan to pay down student loans and individual
debt so that it doesn't carry over into the marriage. If necessary,
postpone the wedding until these debts are paid off. It may sound
extreme, but baggage of any kind should be dealt with in advance in
order to have a happy, stress-free marriage. Also, the less debt you
have, the fewer bills there are to bicker over later.
Common Goals are Key. Money talk shouldn't be all
depressing. To engage your fiancée in money talk, maybe after a day out
shopping for bridesmaid or groomsmen gifts, start out the conversation
by asking about her dreams or goals for the future. Get excited talking
about your dream home, a fantasy vacation in Greece, or owning your own
vineyard. Then bring the discussion down to reality by saying, "Cool,
let's figure out together how we can accomplish these dreams." Now is
the time to talk about putting away ten percent, investing in an IRA,
cutting down on dinners out, 86ing the gold-encrusted cufflink
groomsmen gifts, or whatever it will take to help you get to those
goals.
Don't Discount Childhood. Not to be too Freudian,
but since different spending habits have the potential to hurt our
partner or be taken personally, its important to get a perspective on
where your fiancée gets their money management style from before you
have a blow-up argument over the groomsmen gifts budget. For example,
it may irritate you that your fiancée constantly nags you about paying
bills. You're a grown man. Of course you're going to pay them! But one
simple talk may unlock the fact that when her parents divorced, there
was no guarantee the bills would be paid, and so what you perceive as
nagging is just your fiancée's way of reassuring herself that her
future is stable. Similarly, if you spend money like its going out of
style, she may learn you have insecurities about your looks or status
that could be resolved in other ways, like working out together or just
more compliments from her. Taking a look at childhood could also help
you to make better financial choices and build a stronger relationship.
Using these tips to talk to your fiancée about a financial plan for
the future could save your marriage, so be sure to have this chat
before you splurge on reception halls and groomsmen gifts. Don't let
dollar signs get in the way of "till death do us part." Being open and
honest will lead to a happy and secure life together.
Some information taken from
Ladies Home Journal
|
