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Studies have shown a majority of people would rather have a root
canal than speak in public. Getting up in front of a room full of
friends, family and total strangers can reduce even the strongest of
men to a quivering and feckless dolt. The same flatulent windbags, who
can natter on endlessly about sports or alleged sexual conquests, all
of a sudden turn into public flatulent windbags.
At one point in your life, you may be called upon to deliver a
wedding toast. This is a skill too few men possess, yet, is one every
man should have in their arsenal. Fear not. There is no reason any man
shouldn't be able to deliver moving, intelligent, heartfelt wedding
toasts in exchange for nice groomsmen gifts. Follow my advice, and in a
short while, you'll be toasting and roasting with the best of them.
GOOD IDEA: Preparation
Pre-wedding preparation is a good idea - no, it's a must! Do not
jot down some random notes while taking a dump the morning of the
wedding! Give yourself a few days and organize your thoughts. Writing
them down is always recommended. You may even want to practice. I
realize standing in front of a mirror holding a wineglass may make you
feel like a schmuck, but remember you were selected to give the toast.
It is an honor! Remember, you're getting decent groomsmen gifts out of
this deal, so don't screw up.
CRAPPY IDEA: Winging It
"Hell, I'll just wing it." There is nothing quite as painful to
watch as the "off-the-cuff guy" yammering on in a semi-coherent manner
about some random adventure he and the groom took when the entire
fraternity ventured off to the Bambi Club in Tijuana. Review above:
Preparation.
MOVING IDEA: When Boy Meets Girl
Tell the guests the story behind how the Bride and Groom met. Every
couple has an amusing story of their early courtship, and this is the
perfect opportunity to share it. You're guaranteed to get plenty of
"aahhs" from the group as well as a hug from the bride and a pat on the
back from the groom.
ADDED BONUS: If you're a single guy delivering the toast, the
likelihood of shagging one or more of the bridesmaids after the wedding
goes up exponentially with the increased sensitivity of the toast. If
your groomsmen gifts were great, consider this a bonus gift of sorts.
SORDID IDEA: The Groom's "Little Black Book" Stories
Don't tell the assembled how the Groom nailed three woman on that
Spring Break trip to Cancun. Obvious as this may seem, I've been at
several ceremonies where the wedding toasts included references to the
Groom's sexual escapades. This kind of information is not for public
consumption. That is what the bachelor party is for. Groomsmen gifts
are sort of like a bribe to keep quiet.
While we're on the topic of "sordid," wedding toasts should be kept
as "PG" as possible. Again, I have been at weddings where vulgarities,
slang, and expletives were liberally sprinkled throughout the toast.
Keep in mind, this is a wedding not "Def Comedy Jam." Grandpa and
Grandpa are present. Read this word twice - D-I-S-C-R-E-T-I-O-N. Now
exercise some.
DRY IDEA: No Tequila Shots Before You Begin
Lay off the booze until after the toast. What worked for Dean Martin will only make you a babbling idiot.
WELCOME IDEA: Mr. & Mrs.
Always remember to speak of the Bride. Two people are getting married. If you are a family member,
welcome her into the family. If you're a friend of the groom, talk about how she's made him a better
person, or how they've grown together. It may seem sappy, but after all, this is a wedding. Sappy
is what the crowd is looking for.
SHORT IDEA: Get To The Point
Don't ramble on. A few well-chosen words will suffice. 'Nuff said.
FUNNY IDEA: "Did I Ever Tell You The One About..."
It's not open mike night at the Laugh Factory, and, more importantly, you're probably not as
funny as you think you are. Humor is always appreciated in wedding toasts, when it's done in
good taste. Cracks about the "end of your life," or "the old ball and chain," are about as
fresh as a Dudley Moore flick. Jokes are not always appropriate.
BOTTOM LINE:
With a little practice and some simple common sense, your wedding
toast can be one of the wedding highlights. Remember a lot of weddings
today are video taped, and embarrassing wedding toasts will come back
to haunt you for years to come - and aren't your groomsmen gifts worth
more than that?
Cheers!
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