"Why Bachelor Parties Need Women"
I went to a bachelor party last week, kooky groomsmen gifts in hand, and was very dismayed to find out that there were to be no women attending. "It's gonna be a guys night out. We'll play poker and drink and just hang out." Really? I thought to myself. No strippers, not even a midnight drunk foray to the local dive titty bar? Nope, nothing, nada. These guys were serious. And apparently not because the bride to be had a problem with the groom going and getting snail tracks all over his khakis either. No, this was purely his idea. I guess it was his way of expressing the unimportance of a last romp with his buddies to his blushing bride to be. So I get there and immediately pour myself the stiffest scotch...wait...there wasn't any scotch. I poured myself the meanest bourbon, uh...nope not that either.
I assessed the bar quickly...my choices were, ahem, chardonnay, merlot, Malibu Rum, Captain Morgan's or Michelob Ultra. Was I at the wrong party here? I grabbed my diet, body aware, tasteless brew and sat down next to these guys, whom, admittedly I did not know very well. We discussed the upcoming Texas Hold 'em tourney that we would embark on in several hours. What the hell were we going to do until then? "Anyone bring any porn?" I ask. Several titters and shaking heads. Nope.
Hmmm...what's that on the radio? Is that freaking Britney Spears???? Yup. Groom just loves her to death. What's next, I think to myself, Barbra Streisand? The groomsmen gifts were not worth this. I immediately retreat to the john and splash some cold water on myself. I engage in conversation with a guy named Marty, who at 35 confesses to me that he's never had a relationship with a woman for more than two months. Why? Because Marty likes to do his own thing and who gives a rat's ass what some broad has to say anyway. Now I can get behind this kind of thinking, but when I look into the dude's eyes I realize he's completely full of crap.
"Marty" I scream out in my brain, "You can't have any kind of a relationship with a woman because, my aging friend, you are a closet homosexual! I can see it, your parents can see it, the girls you meet can certainly see it..." Another trip to the bathroom...more cold water splashed on my noggin. Holy crap...I am surrounded by a bunch of guys I have nothing in common with. How did this happen? Suddenly I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'd rather be getting my nuts waxed one hair at a time than be here. So I made a quick exit and as I got to my car I swear I heard Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" blaring from the speakers. I shook my head...never, never, never plan a bachelor party without women. I would have paid $400 to see the fifty year-old hotel maid take off her clothes and shake her overweight, shriveled up prune ass...and I swear I'm not kidding either. Boys...women to a bachelor party are like lox to a bagel. It just works! No groomsmen gifts for you! Until next time...
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