Your father-in-law weeps uncontrollably at the reception. Her mom stopped serving you freshly baked cookies a long time ago. Her big brother, who bears an incredible likeness to Tony Soprano threatens to take care of you. (This is why you don't buy tough guys pocket knives for groomsmen gifts). What did you do?
It could have been a long time ago. Maybe you waited nine years to propose. Maybe you hit her dad up for cash to buy those groomsmen gifts. Whatever you did, it takes years to get back in their good graces. Even if you're the perfect gentleman, you're still the guy who stole their little girl away. If you want to subject yourself to a life of misery, use this guide.
Here are nine surefire ways to tick off the future in-laws:
9. Burp, fart, or lick your knife at the dinner table. In most families, piggish behavior from outsiders is not tolerated. Even if her family burps the Star Spangled Banner on a regular basis, don't join in. Nothing shall rip, slip, or roar while eating with the in-laws. That is, unless you want to be known as the numbskull son-in-law who burped in Grandma's meatloaf.
8. Make a crass remark about your fiance's weight. Sure, her thunder thighs might be a running joke between the two of you, but if you dare make a weight joke in front of her family, start running. FAST. It's a sensitive topic and makes you look like a grade-A jerk. GroomStand's words to live by: What's funny under the covers is not always funny in public.
7. Get sloppy drunk. You bought her brothers pilsner glasses as groomsmen gifts, now it's time to get sloppy drunk right? Wrong. No one wants to think of their sister, daughter, or friend as married to a guy with a drinking problem. Avoid keg stands when you're with the in-laws. Also, consider this: Your favorite libation could liberate you to do the eight other things on this list.
6. Don't honor the father and mother. Simply don't bother. Don't sign birthday cards. Refuse to ask any of her male family members to stand up with you on the Big Day. Skimp on everyone's groomsmen gifts. Turn her mother down when she asks for a dance at the reception.
5. Make a sex joke. If you want to really tick them off, make several. Keep in mind, once you turn into Andrew Dice Clay, there's no going back. GroomStand hint: If your best man decides to do his best Dane Cook impression during the toasts, your in-laws will think you share the same sentiments. Even if you don't. Point him towards the Perfect Toast and hope for the best.
4. Invite her father, brothers, or cousins to your bachelor party. In Vegas. With "dancers." Even if they look like they're having a good time (and they might very well be) they'll get a glimpse of you in a morally altered state. That impression hangs around like a foul stench. And sometimes that bachelor party ends up on a daytime talk show. Trust no one. The vision of you partaking in salacious bachelor party acts lingers long after the guys open their groomsmen gifts. Trust us. Solution: Host a board game night with her relatives as a decoy bachelor party.
3. Ask her Dad to barrow a few bucks. He might give it to you. He might look at you with kind eyes and tell you "things will get better, son." But from this point on, you'll forever be known as the guy who had to ask his wealthy father-in-law for cash. In other words, that no-good son-in-law who can't take care of Daddy's precious little girl. GroomStand hint: If you're short on cash for groomsmen gifts, get a paper route.
2. When your father-in-law's favorite football team loses, spike a football in the living room and scream "in your face." No one likes a sore winner. If you get penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct during the game, smooth it over with a personalized sports sign that depicts his favorite team. Even if you think they're losers.
1. Misplace a treasured family heirloom. When her fathers gives you an heirloom, like her grandmother's engagement ring to propose with or her grandfather's pocket watch, lose it. Store it in your pocket and let it slip out and fall into the street. When her father asks you where it went, respond with a cavalier attitude and shrug of the shoulders. He might cry. Or rip out his hair. Or rip out your heart.
If you do any of the above, you're in-laws will surely despise you. And likely stop dropping by unannounced. All joking aside, treat your in-laws the way you wish to be treated. That goes the same for your groomsmen. Find gifts for groomsmen, attendants, and family members at GroomStand.