Groomsmen's Blog

Worst Wedding Facial Hair Of All Time

0 comments

Facial hair is a guy thing. As soon as we hit that voice-changing age and strange shadows of hair appear in curious places, we're sold. And for the same reason we stride through the halls of middle school flaunting downy little imitations of mustaches, when we realize we can actually grow real ones in college (and that the ladies actually dig the dirty look), we do. We do with a vengeance.

But now it's Wedding Day. And no matter what styles of facial hair you have experimented with over the years, you've got a big choice to make: to beard or not to beard.

Some Hairy Situations to Avoid on the Big Day

Anything that Requires a Template to Create

Outlining a design in your scruff with your fiance's eyeliner before you start trimming away means your choice of facial hair is probably a bad idea. It means you are going to have growth on your face that does not actually exist on it's own in nature. There is a reason why, when you run a search for "Celebrity Chin Straps," only Season Five American Idol third runner-up Chris Daughtry shows up.

All On the Bottom With Nothing On Top

One might think the beard may be the bald man's saving grace: proof that he can still produce lustrous locks somewhere. It's not. Ed Norton could kind of pull of the bald-with-goatee look in American History X, but he was a white supremest with neo-Nazi ideals. You probably aren't, and this is a good thing.

Chin Fringe

Well played. You have the equivalent of a bed-skirt on your face.

Anything Reminiscent of a Cute Animal's Tail

You would have thought that the soul patch would have come and gone with the 2006 Winter Olympics, but nope. It keeps cropping up. Choose to still sport the cottontail look? Start preparing some stock answers: "No, I did not dribble something on my chin at lunch." "No, I did not miss that spot right in the middle when I shaved." "Yes, that is supposed to be there!"

The Two-Toned Look

If you dye your hair, consider that it does not mean your face curtain will transform to match. The equivalent of a girl with her tacky roots showing, a two-toned head is proof that you were not born with golden surfer locks.

So What Are You Left With?

Wearing "a look" is tricky business. To avoid any embarrassment, stick with the tried and true. Clean shaven is always a solid choice. Or, if you are a beardyman, go with facial hair that is maintained, manageable, and evenly distributed. Looking back, those "Star-burns" you thought were awfully clever are going to haunt you.

« Previous post

Next post »

Leave a comment

Please note that comments have to be approved after posting.