"The Swiss Army: Built Fjord Tough"
(The following is an interview translated from Swedish to English. The participants are Stockholm news reporter Jurgen Sledge and General Sven Svensvenson, leader of the Swiss Army. No groomsmen gifts were given in exchange for this interview)
REPORTER: General Svensvenson, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with me today. GEN. SVEN: Would you like a piece of chocolate? REPORTER: No, thank you. GEN. SVEN: It's Hershey's. REPORTER: Thank you, no. General, why does the Swedish government continue military funding for a country that is neutral? GEN. SVEN: Kiss? REPORTER: Beg your pardon? GEN. SVEN: Hershey's kiss? REPORTER: No, thank you. Shouldn't tax dollars be used to repair the countries withering fjords that border Norway? GEN. SVEN: "Withering Fjords"? Never read it. (Silence. General Svensvenson takes a seven minute nap. He awakens)
GEN. SVEN: Neutrality comes at a hefty price. Subsidizing a docile army is not cheap. REPORTER: What steps is the Swiss Army taking to remain meek and passive? GEN. SVEN: Each soldier spends three weeks of boot camp at a relaxing and revitalizing spa in the Alps. Seaweed wraps, mud baths, the whole magilla. After this, nine grueling weeks of yodel training. (yodels) Yodel-ay-hee-who! REPORTER: That's very good. GEN. SVEN: That's $14,000 dollars worth of yodel-training-good. And then, of course, there is the equipment. REPORTER: Guns? Tanks? F-16 fighter jets equipped with air-to-air missiles? GEN. SVEN: Swiss Army Golf Tool Kit with Golf Tool Pouch. Our soldiers are outfitted with and extensively trained on the kits bottle opener, nail file, blade, tweezers, toothpick, scissors, one-hand locking divot repair tool, ball marker, tee punch and groove cleaner. Each kit also comes with a 3-pack of Callaway Golf Balls for throwing at the enemy if they get too close, but since we're neutral, we just practice juggling. REPORTER: That kit sounds like it would work well for groomsmen gifts? GEN. SVEN: Yes. But I'm married to the Army, so don't buy me one. Now if you'll excuse me, I must use the bathroom. All of this chocolate is forcing me to make a Swiss movement. REPORTER: Thank you for your time, General Svensvenson. GEN. SVEN: Kiss? REPORTER: No, thank you. GEN. SVEN: May I have your phone number then?